Mixed Emotions

This blog entry is extremely difficult for me to write. I have had mixed emotions for the last month and it seems to have no end. Last month I received a phone call on a Tuesday morning that my Grandmother had passed away. She was found in her home after what we believe was a massive heart attack. This Thursday will be one month since that day and I am still heartbroken. I do not believe you are ever truly ready for death but under certain circumstances one can be more prepared for it. My grandmothers death was sudden and extremely hard to take. I miss her so much there are just no words to describe all the emotions I am feeling.

Grandma Jo,

I cannot believe you are gone. My heart is broken. It hurts so much when I realize I cannot hear your voice and the laughter that came from it. Your smile, what can I say...there will never be another one like it. You were an amazing grandmother, and I hope so much that you knew that. You never had alot but that never mattered, not to me. No one had a grandma like mine. Other girls danced with their grandmas, you were the reason there was dancing. Oh Lord how you could light up a room. I don't know how many grandma's out there would take out their teeth and chase their grandchildren around a room, what I wouldn't give to be chased one more time. Growing up I just wanted to be around you...it was so easy to feel loved when you were near. When you met Danny you sat on his lap and said, "he's a keeper!" and I kept him. You took your shoes off at 60 years old to dance with me at my wedding... when you saw Kiera, your great-grandaughter, for the very first time you cried, and the last time I saw you was when you met Lilly Jo for the first time, you cried then too. We named her for you and now more than ever I am so glad we did. I am trying to not be so mad at you, and please forgive me for having these feeling...I know you were tired, and I know you were hurting I am just upset my girls will never know you like I did. They should have had special times with you, they should have known your voice and your smile. A memory is not near good enough...it doesn't do the real thing justice. I want the real thing. I want you. I truly hope you knew just how loved you were and always will be...mom misses you so much. She does not have her mama and that is one of the worst things to ever face in this life. You will be glad to know that everyone is healing...the family is back together, and it is all because of you. The love each one of us had for you is what made it happen Grandma. I love you so much, no one will ever come close to replacing who you were in my life, I pray that your body and soul have finally found peace, I pray that we who are left with only our memories of you will heal...Grandma, Grandma, Grandma...you left too soon

Jo Ann (Grandma)

March 1948 - September 2011